The HMS Bill Reimers – Part Thirty

Giving monkeys higher brain function was widely considered a very good idea. The benefits outweighed the drawbacks, which were few but substantial. The principal drawback, at the outset anyway, was the notion held by most that an equal level of sentience deserved equal treatment, and that monkeys should share the same rights and obligations held by humans. Civil liberties weren't an issue because civil liberties hadn't existed for many years. Monkeys were immediately given the right to vote, but so were plants and computers and jelly donuts, because realistically, it wouldn't make a difference anyway. Marriages were no longer recognized in any form by the government, so monkeys or anyone else could marry whomever/whatever they chose. The only real problem was the notable difference in size between humans and monkeys. The United States, who had always lacked imagination, solved the problem by attaching it to the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. Urinals were lowered three feet and cars were fitted with very tall booster seats. It didn't take long for car companies to realize, though, that they could make monkey-sized cars for less cost than human-sized cars, but sell them at the same price due to what they called, “Superior monkey handling.” The smaller cars were surprisingly popular. Even Doug had owned an early-model Ford Primate that he loved dearly and called El Toro. Sadly, he lost his beloved El Toro when some teenagers lifted it out of the parking lot of the adult book store and dropped it of a bridge in the hopes that it would explode—which it did. The high rate of explosions among the hydrogen-burning monkey cars was not the only problem they posed. Speed bumps had to be lowered considerably, which rendered them nearly useless; Fast food employees working drive-through windows soon began complaining of muscle strain; And human/monkey traffic accidents were nearly always fatal. A proposal was brought before Congress to build special monkey-only lanes thirty feet above all existing roads. Noticing monkeys were becoming much more costly than they were worth, the Supreme Court quickly decided that being a monkey was not a disability after all, but more of a lifestyle choice and therefore, monkeys were not entitled to any special treatment. Naturally that sparked a nationwide monkey strike and several dozen adorable little riots, all of which ended with the government making a concession and giving all monkeys free bus passes.

Jake was a bigger problem.

Just as it didn't cost Doug anything to ride the bus, it didn't cost Jake anything, either. Des Moines, Iowa Metropolitan Transit Authority rules clearly stated, though, that all non-genetically enhanced animals (Jake included) had to be secured in a cage no bigger than 1.5 cubic feet before boarding the bus. Even if Doug could carry a cage with Jake inside, he was certain he would never be able to persuade Jake to get into it in the first place.

That's what Doug was trying to explain to the driver of the taxi cab idling in his driveway. It was having no effect, though, as the cab driver didn't speak English, which, at the time, was not a cliché. Since driving a cab was one of the highest-paying jobs available, most cab drivers were very well-educated and in fact held several post-graduate degrees. This particular cab driver was no exception. He was also born and raised in the Greater United States, but unfortunately for him his parents were level eight non-conformists and they felt they should stick it to society by inventing a new language that only their son new.

Doug tried to reason with the cab driver. He squinted at the name printed on the posted license. “Listen, Flimburgnak,” he said.

“Beooten heible flapp!” said Flimburgnak. “Labia minora.” Which, because his parents were not only non-conformists, but also appallingly stupid, meant No parrots. I'm allergic.

With that, Flimburgnak Crotchrot shut the cab door and drove away, thinking that macroeconomics may have been the better career for him since numbers were numbers no matter what language you spoke and the hours were undoubtedly better.

Doug and Jake looked helplessly at one another. They had twenty miles to traverse and just under one hour to do it.