S’long Sukkaz

Here’s a rundown of my ten years in Minneapolis:

I had five apartments (two with rats, one without a bathroom) and one house with a little toxic mold, but a very nice house nonetheless.

I had seven cars, which is a somewhat astonishing, even to me. One car was stolen, one was smashed, and four I drove until they would drive no more.

One way or another I managed to acquire and un-acquire five dogs, three cats, two birds, and one ferret.

I had seven jobs, six of which I left voluntarily.

I had three serious girlfriends and two mutual breakups.

I had one marriage and one amicable divorce.

I had three psychiatrists, two therapists, and one voluntary weekend in a mental hospital.

Through it all I was very, very cold.

Here are some fun facts: It’s 10.2% more expensive to live in Minneapolis than Clearwater. The average temperature is a full 27.4 degrees colder. Violent crime is 19.29% higher. Property crime is 15.25% higher. Murder is 41.24% higher. Rape is 40.4% higher. Robbery is 52.73% higher. Burglary is 8.24% higher. Larceny is 11.22% higher. Auto theft is 47.49% higher.

People wonder—a lot, and very loudly—why I don’t show any concern over living on the Gulf Coast in light of recent weather anomalies. I tell them it’s because I’m too busy being scared as hell of living in Minnesota.

Suck it, Twin Cities.