The Marble Queen Pothos

Here’s a situation I never thought I’d encounter: I’m having a difficult time concentrating this morning because the potted plant on my desk is making far too much noise.

The truly amazing thing is not so much that the plant, which I’ve just learned is a Marble Queen Pothos, is making an annoying tapping sound with one of its leaves, but that there’s a plant on my desk in the first place.

So it seems as though it’s going to be one of those days.

Here’s all the information available on the Marble Queen Pothos:

1) You should fertilize it three to four times a year with a quality plant fertilizer.[1]
2) Overwatering is the most common error.[2] Saturate soil with water – allow it to drain. No standing water in bottom of pot.[3] Top 1” of soil should be dry before rewatering.
3) This is a low to medium light plant. A higher light will increase the color variegation of leaves.[4]
4) Prefers a temperature of 60º F. to 85º F.

And that’s all. Try as I may, I’m unable to find any instruction on what to do if your Marble Queen Pothos is tapping a perfect 4:4 rhythm on your desk with one of its leaves. The Green Machine, Inc. acknowledges sentience in their Marble Queen Pothos (see instruction # 4), but they fail entirely to mention what you should do if yours is annoying you while you’re trying to read your Email.

I think I’ll simply move it to the storage room. It is a low-light plant, after all, and in the storage room it can make as much noise as it wants (within reason) without bothering anybody.


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[1] If my basic knowledge of botany is worth anything at all, the best plant fertilizer, as far as I know, is something small, furry, and dead.
[2] This part is a little unclear. The most common error they’re talking about—I suspect—is a puddle on your desk.
[3] Yes, it’s not very well written, true, but if the good folks at The Green Machine, Inc., of Winter Garden, Florida, from whence the plant came, spent all their time focused on grammar, rows and rows of Marble Queen Pothos would go unattended.
[4] This is the most curious aspect of the instruction card. It seems to me that someone who knows of the existence of the word variegation ought to know that there are no such words as overwatering and rewatering.